Sunday, July 29, 2007

Grandmother

During a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness. an elderly, grandmotherly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
"She responded: "Why, yes, I know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room toward the defense attorney and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know that man?"She again replied: "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Thursday, July 26, 2007

TT - Actual stupid questions asked by lawyers

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.




Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?


Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q: Did he kill you?


Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?


The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?


Were you alone or by yourself?


Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?

A: That's me.

Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?


Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?


Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?


A: I'll be three months on March 12th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?


Do you have any children or anything of that kind?


Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

TT - Dumb Laws of Massachusetts

1. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
2. All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
3. Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
4. It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
5. No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
6. Tattooing and body piercing is illegal.
7. Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
8. Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
9. Quakers and witches are banned.
10. Bullets may not be used as currency.
11. Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
12. Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
13. Public boxing matches are outlawed.

Happy TT, folks!

Monday, July 16, 2007

A Lawyer's Daughter

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sharks and Lawyers

Q. A lawyer falls into shark-infested waters, but isn't attacked. Why?
A. Professional Courtesy.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

TT - Q & A

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!


Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.


Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!


Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.


Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.


Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.


Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.


Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.


Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers


Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.


Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.


Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Wordless Wednesday


Happy Wordless Wednesday everyone!!

Monday, July 2, 2007

Drunk

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren’t you going to get a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave." replied the lawyer.