Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
TT
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they�re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she�s a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can�t understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers� word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they�re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she�s a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can�t understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers� word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
TT
Here are excerpts from a book by Steve Kluger called "Lawyers Say the Darndest Things," Ivy Books, June 1990. Mr. Kluger, a novelist and journalist, worked part-time for years in the word processing departments of some law firms in Southern California (reprinted from Empire State Court Notes Apr/May 1991):
Please notify us immediately if you do not receive this letter.
It appears that we will have a difficult time obtaining a defense verdict if this case is tried before a live jury.
We are refraining from providing you with copies of the medical records, which are enclosed.
Enclosed is our status report on this matter. Please be advised that this case is a mess.
Plaintiff states it is her belief that her neck injuries were caused by a jerk.
Please find enclosed copies of the plaintiff.
Plaintiff weighs 125 pounds with a driver's license.
The bus operator claims he ran over the plaintiff because he was behind schedule.
The court, in its discretion, is permitted to strike irrelevant, redundant and redundant matters.
Have you suffered a loss of smell in either ear?
He suffered a fracture to his left foreman.
Please notify us immediately if you do not receive this letter.
It appears that we will have a difficult time obtaining a defense verdict if this case is tried before a live jury.
We are refraining from providing you with copies of the medical records, which are enclosed.
Enclosed is our status report on this matter. Please be advised that this case is a mess.
Plaintiff states it is her belief that her neck injuries were caused by a jerk.
Please find enclosed copies of the plaintiff.
Plaintiff weighs 125 pounds with a driver's license.
The bus operator claims he ran over the plaintiff because he was behind schedule.
The court, in its discretion, is permitted to strike irrelevant, redundant and redundant matters.
Have you suffered a loss of smell in either ear?
He suffered a fracture to his left foreman.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
-- Suits By Harry Franklin, An Inmate In The Oregon State Penitentiary
* Franklin claimed he was denied daily half-hour out-of-cell walks. The judge found this claim surprising, because in other filings Franklin alleged he was crippled.
* He claimed prison guards abridged his "right to be supplied" with T-shirts, a claim which had previously been dismissed.
* He claimed he did not receive "some unspecified medical treatment because an officer neglected to wake him from his afternoon nap," causing him "mental frustration," which the judge learned meant "that someone got his dander up."
* Franklin sued prison guards who he alleged "wear clopping heels on their boots, which causes plaintiff to feel he's in a Natsy [sic] prison camp."
* He asserted that his right to free speech was violated because prison staff discliplined him "for commenting on a guard's allegedly out-of-wedlock birth."
* He sought $3 million in damages for "mental frustration" he suffered when a Portland television station allegedly misidentified a "14 wheeler tractor and trailer rig" as an "18 wheeler."
* Franklin launched constitutional challenges to Oregon statutes which denied felons the ability to be candidates for public office or to vote during their incarceration.
* Franklin brought up some Oregon history in one of his claims. In 1923, the D'Autermont boys robbed a train in the Sikiyou Mountains, killing several railroadmen. According to Franklin, since the incident, trains blew their whistles as they pass the penitentiary in the early morning hours, violating his "right to public piece [sic]." The judge found that "Even assuming the railroads do carry on such a heinous practice, it would not violate one of Franklin's federally protected rights."
* He sued "Ronal Regan and his constiuants [sic]" for $8.9 million for "violation of undue restraint" in connection with an Oregon seatbelt law. he believed the law was underinclusive because it did not apply to bicycles and horses as well as cars.
* He complained that he lost sleep on three occasions because the penitentiary's steam heater pipes snap and pop, and that he endured "Harassment by Water" because the prison authority's over-watering of the prison yard in the summer made it difficult for him to find a dry place to lie down.
* He claimed the pentitentiary's cleanliness rules violated his "constitutional right to accumulate an unlimited number of newspaper clippings."
* Franklin was also a reformer, suing Oregon's governor, attorney general, legislators, and judges for failing "to pass Legislation which would keep our System such as The Courts, &/or Jails from being so corrupt."
* He complained that the penitentiary food service bakes desserts in aluminum rather than stainless steel pans, and that he could not eat from aluminum pans because the "scrapings" from the pans would "settle in [his] Human Joints."
* He claimed prison guards abridged his "right to be supplied" with T-shirts, a claim which had previously been dismissed.
* He claimed he did not receive "some unspecified medical treatment because an officer neglected to wake him from his afternoon nap," causing him "mental frustration," which the judge learned meant "that someone got his dander up."
* Franklin sued prison guards who he alleged "wear clopping heels on their boots, which causes plaintiff to feel he's in a Natsy [sic] prison camp."
* He asserted that his right to free speech was violated because prison staff discliplined him "for commenting on a guard's allegedly out-of-wedlock birth."
* He sought $3 million in damages for "mental frustration" he suffered when a Portland television station allegedly misidentified a "14 wheeler tractor and trailer rig" as an "18 wheeler."
* Franklin launched constitutional challenges to Oregon statutes which denied felons the ability to be candidates for public office or to vote during their incarceration.
* Franklin brought up some Oregon history in one of his claims. In 1923, the D'Autermont boys robbed a train in the Sikiyou Mountains, killing several railroadmen. According to Franklin, since the incident, trains blew their whistles as they pass the penitentiary in the early morning hours, violating his "right to public piece [sic]." The judge found that "Even assuming the railroads do carry on such a heinous practice, it would not violate one of Franklin's federally protected rights."
* He sued "Ronal Regan and his constiuants [sic]" for $8.9 million for "violation of undue restraint" in connection with an Oregon seatbelt law. he believed the law was underinclusive because it did not apply to bicycles and horses as well as cars.
* He complained that he lost sleep on three occasions because the penitentiary's steam heater pipes snap and pop, and that he endured "Harassment by Water" because the prison authority's over-watering of the prison yard in the summer made it difficult for him to find a dry place to lie down.
* He claimed the pentitentiary's cleanliness rules violated his "constitutional right to accumulate an unlimited number of newspaper clippings."
* Franklin was also a reformer, suing Oregon's governor, attorney general, legislators, and judges for failing "to pass Legislation which would keep our System such as The Courts, &/or Jails from being so corrupt."
* He complained that the penitentiary food service bakes desserts in aluminum rather than stainless steel pans, and that he could not eat from aluminum pans because the "scrapings" from the pans would "settle in [his] Human Joints."
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Frivolous Legal Actions
* (U.S. v. Bottoson): Bottoson, convicted of federal firearms charges and postal fraud, and faced state court charges for the kidnapping and murder of a female postal employee. The defendant sought post-conviction relief in the federal court, and in a letter to the court said: "This defendant is accused of murder in the state of Florida, this defendant goes to a church which believes in the raising of the dead, which is the defendants right under the Constitution of the United States. This defendant wrote a letter ... stating his religious belief that if the body of the deceased [postal employee] were to be taken from the ground and brought into the defendants church the Lord of life would bring back the deceased. ... The defendant feels his 'Religious Freedom' under the constitution were violated, anyone has the right to his/her own belief under Freedom of Religion. Defendant now asks this court to uphold his rights under the constitution of the United States."
* A suit by a prisoner who claimed that the Department of Corrections planted an electronic device in his brain. (Calif.)
* (Moody v. Miller): A Texas inmate filed twenty-two complaints, alleging civil rights violations, including violations of his right to use the telephone, his right not to be required to walk barefoot across a cold floor, his right not to be issued pants that are too small.
* A suit by Lee Barnett challenging the stamping of his mail to indicate it was sent from a state prison. (Calif.)
* A Georgia inmate filed petition alleging that he was a victim of a "Behavior Modification Program" conducted by the prison, and that the "controlling system is a watchful eye of the State through electronic suveillance of the human body ..." The system, he claimed, "combs" his body and "wantonly monitors and picks up sounds and voices, but is also tuned directly to plaintiff's brain." The plaintiff sought $500,000 in damages, claiming the State had "no right without any permission from plaintiff to probe his mind and body with electric current or parabolic sound waves." (Jones v. Ault)
* A prisoner in Idaho filed suit after guards refused to "tidy up" his cell after a search.
* (Gordon v. N.J.): The Inmate, a "certified candidate for the office of President of the U.S." filed suit claiming "that he was unlawfully arrested in December 1975 while campaigning in the New Hampshire primary, and unlawfully jailed until March 15, 1976, and accordingly claimed that the 1976 presidential election was fraudulent and that new "legal" elections had to be held for the office of President. He also claimed that "Had there been a free legal 1976 Presidential election, he would now be the President."
* Beaty v. Bury: A death-row inmate sues corrections officials for taking away his Gameboy electronic game. (Arizona)
* (Demos v. Kincheloe...): This inmate filed 184 separate actions in a little more than three yearsincluding ones alleging: all Washington State law is unconstitutional because statutes subsequent to the 1881 code were not ratified by Congress; a claim for damages because prison guards refused to address him by his Islamic name; a request to require Congress to redraft language in the Declaration of Independence; a claim of unlawful discrimination on the basis of sex because the State would not honor his request to be transferred to an all-women correctional institution; and a claim that the U.S. Treasury Dept violated his civil rights by discontinuing the practice of backing treasury notes by silver.
* Trice v. Reynolds: Ex-chef sues because the food was bad, yet he wanted bigger portions. (Oklahoma)
* Searight v. N.J.: Searight claimed he was taken to the Eye, Ear and Speech Clinic, where the State of New Jersey unlawfully injected him in the left eye with a radium electric beam, and that someone now talks to him on the inside of his brain. He sought $12 million in damages
* Murderer sues for $25,000, claiming a "defective" haircut resulted in lost sleep, headaches, and chest pains. (New York)
* Sir Keenan Kester Cofield an Alabame inmate was creative. Besides filing over a hundred actions against prison officials in various Alabama courts.. One court said "Cofield is an overly litigious fellow. Among the many suits he has brought from his jail cell are suits against both McDonald's and Burger King for using pork fat in the oil used to fry french fried potatoes, thereby poisoning his body, mind and soul. He has brought at least three libel actions against various newspapers for prematurely printing his obituary. He also brought an action against Coca-Cola alleging that a bottle of Coke he drank was filled with ground glass. He has threatened or sued various restaurants in various cities alleging food poisoning; it was later discovered that Cofield was incarcerated at the time he supposedly was eating in these restaurants."
* A suit by a prisoner who claimed that the Department of Corrections planted an electronic device in his brain. (Calif.)
* (Moody v. Miller): A Texas inmate filed twenty-two complaints, alleging civil rights violations, including violations of his right to use the telephone, his right not to be required to walk barefoot across a cold floor, his right not to be issued pants that are too small.
* A suit by Lee Barnett challenging the stamping of his mail to indicate it was sent from a state prison. (Calif.)
* A Georgia inmate filed petition alleging that he was a victim of a "Behavior Modification Program" conducted by the prison, and that the "controlling system is a watchful eye of the State through electronic suveillance of the human body ..." The system, he claimed, "combs" his body and "wantonly monitors and picks up sounds and voices, but is also tuned directly to plaintiff's brain." The plaintiff sought $500,000 in damages, claiming the State had "no right without any permission from plaintiff to probe his mind and body with electric current or parabolic sound waves." (Jones v. Ault)
* A prisoner in Idaho filed suit after guards refused to "tidy up" his cell after a search.
* (Gordon v. N.J.): The Inmate, a "certified candidate for the office of President of the U.S." filed suit claiming "that he was unlawfully arrested in December 1975 while campaigning in the New Hampshire primary, and unlawfully jailed until March 15, 1976, and accordingly claimed that the 1976 presidential election was fraudulent and that new "legal" elections had to be held for the office of President. He also claimed that "Had there been a free legal 1976 Presidential election, he would now be the President."
* Beaty v. Bury: A death-row inmate sues corrections officials for taking away his Gameboy electronic game. (Arizona)
* (Demos v. Kincheloe...): This inmate filed 184 separate actions in a little more than three yearsincluding ones alleging: all Washington State law is unconstitutional because statutes subsequent to the 1881 code were not ratified by Congress; a claim for damages because prison guards refused to address him by his Islamic name; a request to require Congress to redraft language in the Declaration of Independence; a claim of unlawful discrimination on the basis of sex because the State would not honor his request to be transferred to an all-women correctional institution; and a claim that the U.S. Treasury Dept violated his civil rights by discontinuing the practice of backing treasury notes by silver.
* Trice v. Reynolds: Ex-chef sues because the food was bad, yet he wanted bigger portions. (Oklahoma)
* Searight v. N.J.: Searight claimed he was taken to the Eye, Ear and Speech Clinic, where the State of New Jersey unlawfully injected him in the left eye with a radium electric beam, and that someone now talks to him on the inside of his brain. He sought $12 million in damages
* Murderer sues for $25,000, claiming a "defective" haircut resulted in lost sleep, headaches, and chest pains. (New York)
* Sir Keenan Kester Cofield an Alabame inmate was creative. Besides filing over a hundred actions against prison officials in various Alabama courts.. One court said "Cofield is an overly litigious fellow. Among the many suits he has brought from his jail cell are suits against both McDonald's and Burger King for using pork fat in the oil used to fry french fried potatoes, thereby poisoning his body, mind and soul. He has brought at least three libel actions against various newspapers for prematurely printing his obituary. He also brought an action against Coca-Cola alleging that a bottle of Coke he drank was filled with ground glass. He has threatened or sued various restaurants in various cities alleging food poisoning; it was later discovered that Cofield was incarcerated at the time he supposedly was eating in these restaurants."
Thursday, October 4, 2007
This was actually said in court...
Question 1.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Question 2.
Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.
Question 3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
Question 4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years
Question 5.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A My name is Susan.
Question 6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Question 7.
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Question 8.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Question 9.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.
Question 10.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Question 11.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
Question 12.
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?
Question 13.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Question 2.
Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.
Question 3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
Question 4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years
Question 5.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A My name is Susan.
Question 6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Question 7.
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Question 8.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Question 9.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.
Question 10.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Question 11.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
Question 12.
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?
Question 13.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Said in court...
Question 1. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Question 2. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Question 3. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Question 4. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Question 5. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?
Question 6. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Question 7. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
Question 8. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Question 9. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Question 10. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Question 11. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Question 12. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time?
Question 13. Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?
A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Question 2. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Question 3. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Question 4. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Question 5. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?
Question 6. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Question 7. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
Question 8. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Question 9. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Question 10. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Question 11. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Question 12. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time?
Question 13. Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Dead!
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry," the receptionist answered, "but Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", the client again asked. "Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist, "Mr. Smith is DEAD!" "Oh I understand you perfectly," said the client, "I just can't hear it often enough."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Dumb City Laws in Colorado
Alamosa
1. Throwing missles at cars is illegal.
2. Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited.
3. To own a dog over three months of age, one must obtain a license.
4. Persons may not urinate in public.
Arvada
5. Establishments which sell alcohol must have enough lighting to read text inside them.
Aspen
6. Catapults may not be fired at buildings.
Boulder
7. It is legal to challenge a police officer, but only until he or she asks you to stop.
8. It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property.
9. Boulders may not be rolled on city property.
10. Couches may not be placed on outside porches.
Colorado Springs
11. It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
Cripple Creek
12. It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
Denver
13. The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
1. Throwing missles at cars is illegal.
2. Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited.
3. To own a dog over three months of age, one must obtain a license.
4. Persons may not urinate in public.
Arvada
5. Establishments which sell alcohol must have enough lighting to read text inside them.
Aspen
6. Catapults may not be fired at buildings.
Boulder
7. It is legal to challenge a police officer, but only until he or she asks you to stop.
8. It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property.
9. Boulders may not be rolled on city property.
10. Couches may not be placed on outside porches.
Colorado Springs
11. It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
Cripple Creek
12. It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
Denver
13. The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Emergency!
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor, it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor's aide eventually agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Brown just died, and I want to take his place," pleaded the attorney. "Well, its Ok with me if its Ok with the mortuary," came the reply.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
TT - Dumb Oregon Laws
Drivers must yield to pedestrians who are standing on the sidewalk.
one may not test their physical endurance while driving a car on a highway.
It is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of any highway.
Babies may not be carried on the running boards of a car.
Drivers may not pump their own gas.
A door on a car may not be left open longer than is necessary.
An adult may not show a minor any piece of classical artwork which depicts sexual excitement.
Dishes must drip dry.
The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment.
Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.
It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.
One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.
Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
one may not test their physical endurance while driving a car on a highway.
It is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of any highway.
Babies may not be carried on the running boards of a car.
Drivers may not pump their own gas.
A door on a car may not be left open longer than is necessary.
An adult may not show a minor any piece of classical artwork which depicts sexual excitement.
Dishes must drip dry.
The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment.
Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.
It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.
One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.
Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Upright Judge...
An attorney ran over to the office of his client. "I can't believe it!" said the angered attorney, "You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we're certain to lose this case!" "Relax," said the client, "I sent it in the prosecutor's name."
Thursday, August 30, 2007
TT - Dumb Tenessee Laws
You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.
Hollow logs may not be sold.
More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.
It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
"Crimes against nature" are prohibited.
Ministers are to be dedicated to God and therefore are not eligible to hold a seat in either House of the Legislature.
Any person who participates in a duel may not hold any public office in the state.
Stealing a horse is punishible by hanging.
No Christian parent may require their children to pick up trash from the highway on Easter day. Driving is not to be done while asleep.
It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.
The definition of "dumb animal" includes every living creature.
Tattooing a minor is a misdemeanor.
Hollow logs may not be sold.
More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.
It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
"Crimes against nature" are prohibited.
Ministers are to be dedicated to God and therefore are not eligible to hold a seat in either House of the Legislature.
Any person who participates in a duel may not hold any public office in the state.
Stealing a horse is punishible by hanging.
No Christian parent may require their children to pick up trash from the highway on Easter day. Driving is not to be done while asleep.
It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.
The definition of "dumb animal" includes every living creature.
Tattooing a minor is a misdemeanor.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Calling or Thinking?
After his motion to surpress evidence was denied by the court the angered attorney spoke up, "Your Honor," he said, "what would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool." The Judge, now also angered, revered, "I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court again!" "What if I only thought it?" asked the attorney. "In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have the right to think whatever you want." "Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record reflect, that I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old fool."
Thursday, August 23, 2007
TT - Dumb Alabama Laws
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
Incestuous marriages are legal.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
You may not drive barefooted.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Incestuous marriages are legal.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
You may not drive barefooted.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
HAPPY THURSDAY THIRTEEN!! - Funny quotes on lawyers
There is no such thing as justice - in or out of court. - Clarence Darrow
There is no such thing as justice - in or out of court. - Clarence Darrow
I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is. - Roy Cohn
To some lawyers all facts are created equal. Felix Frankfurter
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. - Adlai E. Stevenson
I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
We are more casual about qualifying the people we allow to act as advocates in the courtroom than we are about licensing electricians. - Warren E. Burger
I defended about one hundred forty people for murder in this country and I think in all of the cases I received just one Christmas card from all of these defendants. - Samuel Leibowitz
I have argued that lawyers should not engage in litigation tactics that frustrate or distort the search for truth, such as covering up a client's perjury. Lawyers often argue that it is impossible to maintain high ethical standards during a lawsuit. You may not want to play hardball, but if the other side does, you feel no choice but to respond in turn ..." - Law Professor Joseph G. Allegretti
The trial lawyer does what Socrates was executed for: making the worse argument appear the stronger. - Judge Irving Kaufman
It is lawyers who run our civilization for us - our governments, our businesses, our private lives... We cannot buy a home or rent an apartment, we cannot get married or try to get divorced, we cannot leave our property to our children without calling on the lawyers to guide us. To guide us, incidentally, through a maze of confusing gestures and formalities that lawyers have created... The legal trade, in short, is nothing but a high-class racket. - Fred Rodell, Professor of Law, Yale University
When will there be too many lawyers? Never. - Thomas E. Brennan, President, Thomas M. Cooley Law School
I get paid for seeing that my clients have every break the law allows. I have knowingly defended a number of guilty men. But the guilty never escape unscathed. My fees are sufficient punishment for anyone. - F. Lee Bailey
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Billed Hours...
A prominent young attorney is on his way to court when he gets hit by a bus.
Suddenly he finds himself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter.
" This has to be a mistake!" exclaims the lawyer. " I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"
St. Peter replies, "Gee, that’s funny. Based on the number of hours you’ve billed to clients we thought you had to be at least 105."
Suddenly he finds himself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter.
" This has to be a mistake!" exclaims the lawyer. " I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"
St. Peter replies, "Gee, that’s funny. Based on the number of hours you’ve billed to clients we thought you had to be at least 105."
Thursday, August 2, 2007
TT - Q & A
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
No changes occur.
What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
No changes occur.
What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
Who cares?
Why have some cities outlawed lawyers from going to the beach?
Because the cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie still.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A doberman pinscher.
What's the definition of a lawyer?
A mouth with a life support system.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Grandmother
During a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness. an elderly, grandmotherly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
"She responded: "Why, yes, I know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room toward the defense attorney and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know that man?"She again replied: "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
"She responded: "Why, yes, I know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room toward the defense attorney and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know that man?"She again replied: "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Thursday, July 26, 2007
TT - Actual stupid questions asked by lawyers
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Thursday, July 19, 2007
TT - Dumb Laws of Massachusetts
1. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
2. All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
3. Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
4. It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
5. No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
6. Tattooing and body piercing is illegal.
7. Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
8. Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
9. Quakers and witches are banned.
10. Bullets may not be used as currency.
11. Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
12. Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
13. Public boxing matches are outlawed.
Happy TT, folks!
2. All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
3. Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
4. It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
5. No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
6. Tattooing and body piercing is illegal.
7. Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
8. Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
9. Quakers and witches are banned.
10. Bullets may not be used as currency.
11. Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
12. Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
13. Public boxing matches are outlawed.
Happy TT, folks!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sharks and Lawyers
Q. A lawyer falls into shark-infested waters, but isn't attacked. Why?
A. Professional Courtesy.
A. Professional Courtesy.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
TT - Q & A
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Monday, July 2, 2007
Drunk
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren’t you going to get a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave." replied the lawyer.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren’t you going to get a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave." replied the lawyer.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Double for the Lawyer!!
A man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. When he rubbed it, a genie appeared.
"Master," the genie said, "Thank you for letting me out of my thousand year prison. For this, I will grant you three wishes. The catch is, that every lawyer will get twice what you get. After all, I am a lawyer’s genie"
The man thought about this for a minute or two. "For my first wish, I would like ten million tax-free dollars."
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured him that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"For my second wish, I would love a big 50 room mansion to live in with my wife and children."
Instantly, the man was shown his 50 room mansion. "But every lawyer has just received two 50 room mansions," said the genie. "You are down to your last wish. Use it wisely," the genie said.
"Well, okay." The man said as he paused for a moment. "Yes! I’ve got it!," the man said.
"What?," said the genie.
"Scare me half to death."
"Master," the genie said, "Thank you for letting me out of my thousand year prison. For this, I will grant you three wishes. The catch is, that every lawyer will get twice what you get. After all, I am a lawyer’s genie"
The man thought about this for a minute or two. "For my first wish, I would like ten million tax-free dollars."
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured him that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"For my second wish, I would love a big 50 room mansion to live in with my wife and children."
Instantly, the man was shown his 50 room mansion. "But every lawyer has just received two 50 room mansions," said the genie. "You are down to your last wish. Use it wisely," the genie said.
"Well, okay." The man said as he paused for a moment. "Yes! I’ve got it!," the man said.
"What?," said the genie.
"Scare me half to death."
Monday, June 25, 2007
Accountants and Lawyers
Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us -- we're lawyers."
When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly canceled.
On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers."
After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers."
When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.
When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly canceled.
On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers."
After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers."
When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.
Friday, June 22, 2007
A Rich Lawyer
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over a million dollars last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Jury Duty
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
Thursday, June 14, 2007
A Lawyer Hit!
There was once a man who was as nice as could be, except he absolutely hated lawyers. Whenever he would see a lawyer on the side of a road, he would swerve his pick-up truck and run over him or her.
Then one day, he was driving down the freeway when he saw a priest next to his car, which had broken down. Being such a nice man, he pulled over and offered the preist a ride to the next gas station.
While he was driving, he saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He started to swerve over, when he realized there was a priest in his car. He thought he missed the lawyer, but he still heard a loud bang. Then he pulled over and confessed to the priest about his problem and said that's why he swerved the car.
He told the priest that he thought he missed the lawyer when the priest interrupted him and said, "That's okay, I hit him with my door!"
Then one day, he was driving down the freeway when he saw a priest next to his car, which had broken down. Being such a nice man, he pulled over and offered the preist a ride to the next gas station.
While he was driving, he saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He started to swerve over, when he realized there was a priest in his car. He thought he missed the lawyer, but he still heard a loud bang. Then he pulled over and confessed to the priest about his problem and said that's why he swerved the car.
He told the priest that he thought he missed the lawyer when the priest interrupted him and said, "That's okay, I hit him with my door!"
Saturday, June 9, 2007
1 or 2?
Q: What's better than a dead lawyer lying in the road?
A: Two dead lawyers lying in the road!
A: Two dead lawyers lying in the road!
Monday, June 4, 2007
3 partners
Three partners of a firm were attending a convention out of town. As the plane carried them to their destination, one of the partners gulped and told the second partner, "Oh my gosh, I forgot to lock the safe."
The third partner said, "There's nothing to worry about. All three of us are here!"
The third partner said, "There's nothing to worry about. All three of us are here!"
Friday, June 1, 2007
6 months...
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Chaos
A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."
The lawyer smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."
The lawyer smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
You Can't take it with you
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Free haircuts
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
That's a real bargain
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
Friday, May 4, 2007
Some last minute requests
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Replacing lab rats with lawyers
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.
"The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.
"The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
You won't go to jail
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money. And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
The devil visited a lawyer's office...
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?" he asked.
"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?" he asked.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Lawyer Laughter
Well, this blog is now up and running, and its primary purpose - to make people Laugh at Lawyers!!!
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